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Rachel Goldman's poems from the Wadi Slam

Happy

I am sick and tired of the whiney- bitchy-ness of my generation.
Where "emo" and cardigans and shrinks are the pop-culture du jour.
Where sipping lattes and discussing "the bell jar" are our favorite pastimes.
Where a bad poetry filled old notebook is the accessory of choice.
I am slowly but surely loosing my sanity. How "hip" of me.

When exactly did it become so cool to care so much?
How did this movement grow so big so...fast?
Where was I when this all happened?!
Where did Eminem go?
What the HELL is up with "Dashboard Confessionals"?

I say we take a stand against this pathetic revolution.
Stop these lame asses in their tracks.

Let's be happy.
That's right, show those idiots who's having a better time, laugh.
"Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown."
Don't tell me that doesn't rhyme for a reason.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown,
so, sure they're getting a better workout,
but that's not why they do it,
well defined facial muscles are not what they're aiming for.
And, it just goes to show you how easy it is
to fight in the war against "sad kids".

That's right, I said the
MOTHER FUDGING WAR AGAINST SAD KIDS!!!!!

Who needs a 17 year old self proclaimed philosopher
breathing down their neck 24/7.
Not me. No sireee!
I have better things to worry about, like
The gross shit under my finger nails!

Why should I listen to them?
Why encourage them to do the very thing
That aggravates me soooooo much!
I have to stand up here and rant about it for 3 minutes?

So, join me in my battle.
Prevent wide spread sadness, all you have to do, is smile.

Panic

I am an anxious person,
Which is probably because I am both a female and Jewish,
But I would like to think it's due to living in this world.

I stopped reading the newspaper a long time ago,
Due to my inability to cope with the weird shit
that goes on around me,
The snipers,
The shootings,
The theft,
The murder,
The war,
The child molesters,
The "two" plastic surgeries the Michael Jackson has had.

It all makes me so nervous,
I can't function in a
normal, sane manner.

I wake up every morning,
And before I leave the house
I have checked
Double checked
And triple checked my fly
Because I'm worried that
I will have forgotten to zip up my pants
And everyone will see that I am wearing
"Monday" underwear on a Thursday.

Don't think I made this up, I've heard stories.

These scenarios I play in my head.
They're constantly running,
Like a record that keeps skipping,
And all you hear is part of a word,
Raou, raou, raou, raou, raou, raou,
Until you think your going to go crazy.

And its never going to stop,
Peaceful is a word that doesn't exist in our world,
And, until it does, I'll be sitting here,
Waiting, until I can't take it anymore.

Babysitter

Hi, I'm the kid you hire to watch your children.
Please, sit back and relax while I inform you
How 2 dollars an hour is an
inappropriate amount of money to pay me.

I know all you dirty little secrets!
You see a marriage counselor
Monday
Wednesday
Friday
Because of intimacy problems
I wouldn't be surprised
He's hung like a three year old

"How do I know?"
Silly, I rummage through you underwear drawer.
Which means I also know you like to wear
Women's lingerie.

I know your social security number
I know your address
I know your phone number
And I know what you did last summer,
Because I've seen the pictures on your shelves

I am the world's most legitimate stalker

Don't think I won't take you seriously
When you say
"make yourself at home"

I WILL TAKE THAT TO THE EXTREME!!!

I will eat you food
I will put my feet on your table
I will masturbate in your bed!

So, please be generous with the tips
Don't be stingy with your money
And please for your sake and that of your family's
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE TEENAGE BABYSITTER!!!