Saturday, April 19, 2003
Wadi Slam recap(4/18/03)
Instead of putting the "thank you"s at the end of this post, I'll come out and say it right now: The Wadi Cafe is the coolest coffee oasis ever! Thanks so much for holding the slam for free!
Contestants were, in order of performance, Rachel Goldman, Sibo Lin, Phuc Nguyen, Amy Reitz, and Lisa White. Advancing to semifinals were Rachel, Sibo, and Lisa. Finals were Sibo and Lisa. Lisa won the championship.
Sara Hertweck and Daniel Baumgart wrote poetry on the spot and performed during open mic in intermissions.
Phuc was DQ'd based on the graphic nature of his pieces....("butt rape")
Attendence was about 52 people, but more contestants are needed.
Phuc Nguyen's Poems from the Wadi Slam(4/18/03)
So you say…you know me
So you say…you know me
You met a Chinese girl last week at Victoria Secret
And you had the balls to come up and ask her if she was MY sister.
Hey! I understand. I mean geez all Asians look the same
Well wake up and smell what this Asian man is cooking.
Our family circle is…really bigger than the butt cheeks of your mom.
So the odds of her being MY sister is truly in your favor.
Oh! By the way. I’m not Chinese.
But honestly, you know you really didn’t care whether or not she was my sister
Cause all you REALLY wanted is to dig that Chinese chick.
Well you can’t. Why can’t you? Because you’re blind.
And who wants to swing in the hips of a blind man?
Asian girls aren’t naughty schoolgirls.
For all the ladies in the audience:
Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?
What can I say, I’m all that and more!
Didn’t know an Asian man could do that did you?
The invasion is HERE!
I make love to your women.
I can take five on at ONCE! Because I can type faster than they can!
The internet is MY BITCH!
You’re busy trying to call your “ladies”
Aww too bad, the line is busy. She’s online having cyber sex with me.
And you believed her when she tells you that she was just chatting with a friend.
The cool thing about this is:
You know Nothing about me,
And I know All about you,
And EVEN MORE about your women!
So you say…you know me
And that you can see what I am and who I am.
Can you see a passionate lover and a unique man standing up hear reading poetry
While seducing your women?
Can you see that I am bounded by your societal prison bars?
What the hell, a blind man can’t see!
And a blind man prolly can’t make love that well either cause he wouldn’t know what he’s licking!
I am simply:
a chick magnet
and a person
I am that amazing guy
That put your pimps out of business!
Because all of their hoes got FAT from eating too many of my cookies!
My cookies rocked their world
And they love it.
I have shown you all that I am.
Do not model me into something that I am not
Give me a chance.
I have a fetish for cheesecake
I’m sitting on the couch…drunk.
Drunk like a blonde on her “smart” days.
Drunk like a guy getting his first kiss from a girl who is uglier than you.
I am drunk for “life” because there are too many things that need my “made in Asia”
There are soo much I want to see
I am drunk for the beautiful things…people that surround me.
OH GOD, how can I express the burning sensations of desires within my smooth body?
I am lost for words
Lost in paradise
Lost with love.
I want to go skinny dipping with all the girls in this room
Because one is too few
Two is still not enough
But “ALL” is satisfying
And I like what I see!
I feel so alive
I want to go exploring like the pioneers of the past
…and in life
I have a fetish for cheesecake.
I have to admit, I am in love with one of the ladies in here.
Now you’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute, what does cheesecake has to do with this girl?”
Well it’s got everything to do with her.
Cheesecake is that thing I want.
First I want to butt rape her
Then I want make mad passionate love to her
Because she is
Staring at her is not enough.
I want to take her out
Take her to Shyler’s Barbeque because I love their “All you can eat” dinner.
This girl I speak of is amazing, beautiful, fun, and full of life.
I love you
I will always be drunk
Drunk for my family, friends, teachers, ladies.
Drunk for life.
I remember my first semi-porno movie watching experience.
The title of the movie was called “The Sweetest Thing”
I saw it with two friends of mine who thought that the scenes were great.
In their heads porno music was bouncing around like the birds and the bees.
But I, I thought differently.
I did not see the birds and bees, all I saw were people sucking each other’s faces, lips,
And the rest is up to your imagination.
This type of “love fest” romance will not cut it for me, because I want true love.
Love is important, don’t you dare tell me that it’s not.
For you see, I am a one woman man
I am a believer in love at first site.
I mean I’m a guy. And all guys need the loving we so rightfully deserve.
I see couples walking down the street holding hands and butt raping each other
And I thought to myself, man…is this really true love -- can it be?
I need a soul-mate.
So I will now post up this ad for any ladies out there:
“WANTED: A meaningful overnight relationship”
I want to be your friend.
Someone you can talk to
Someone you can lean on
And will always be there
That is true love.
But I am tired of being used and abused.
I just want to wrap my arms around my true love.
So HOW ABOUT IT (girl’s name)!!
Can [I] have directions…to your heart?
Growing up, all I ever wanted was to become a super hero.
Not just ANY hero, I wanted to be a hero whose job was to
repair broken hearts.
Forget about fighting street crimes, I am too fragile
I won’t deal with bank robbers, street thugs, and random outbursts.
My only concern is
To BEAT down the S.O.B. who broke your heart.
And then I will show you Super Hero passion
after I am done repairing you.
I am vicious.
I take no prisoners.
I want to be a super hero because I am a romantic
And there are too many girls out there who are in dire need of romance!
I want to be, their one minute man.
Yes! Lisa White, I want to be YOUR one minute man,
Yes! Ashley Burgdorf, I want to YOUR one minute man, TOO.
I am Super Hero E2002.
I am always there for you.
You can IM me
I just want you to know, that whatever you’re going through
I share your pain.
I am Super Hero E2002.
I will make you realize that you have “woman power”
And there is ONLY one nicer guy out there than the one you’re dating.
I am that ONE! I am THAT super hero you’ve been waiting for.
Yes Melody Berry, I want to be YOUR one minute man.
Your Super Hero E2002.
Sibo Lin's Poems from the Wadi Slam(4/18/03)
Don’t throw that dollar away!
A buck can go a long way
Just dial 10-10-220, 1 and then the number you want to call,
And you’ll receive up to 20 minutes of long distance calling for only a dollar
Which is pretty handy, now that my girlfriend bought a cell phone that when set in silent mode, can double as a Hello Kitty Vibrator.
Love. Cheap and easy. That’s the way I like it.
Actually, that’s the way I like everything. Cheap and easy.
Ronald McDonald is my idol
Sure, he wears white gloves and touches little kids a lot
But it’s OK! Because
He has the dollar menu.
Cheap and easy.
Big n’ Tasty sandwich, one dollar
Medium serving of America’s favorite fries, one dollar
Hot apple pie, fifty cents.
Or two for one dollar.
And the McChicken actually tastes like chicken!
My friends call me
The Cheap Asian
Which is absolutely incorrect. More accurately, I am
The Asian Cheapo
How many people do you know
spent only two fifty on their prom outfit?
That’s two dollars, fifty cents.
Or two McChickens and a hot apple pie.
How many people do you know
Buy toilet paper in extreme bulk
When it’s on sale?
And I mean I have mountains of buy-one-get-one-free rolls of
And whether I’m eating at Wendy’s, McDonald’s,
Or even McDonald’s Diner
I always order the free water
Because the only thing better than
Cheap and easy
Which is why I’m going to start my own country
where everything is free
And I’ll call it
the Free World
Think of all the problems that would be solved!
Poverty, hunger, war, telemarketing, prostitution.
This idea is going to bring peace and love into the world
And you can become a charter member of the Free World.
All you have to do is
Give me something for free
And you are in!
And I’ll take anything
Free food, free toilet paper, free unlimited cell phone minutes…
Ok. maybe I’m taking this a little too far
After all, the best things in life do come at a cost
Like a mesmerizing cup of Cherry Cordial
From our wonderful host, the Wadi Cafe
Or a pint of Chai so addicting
I find myself in a worse situation than
Whitney Houston taking a vacation in
The crack fields of Colombia.
So I think I’m going to go support our host and
buy a steaming
Cup of Chai.
It may be more than one dollar…but it’s worth it.
And if any chicks out there would like my company tonight, I’m sorry, I’m not free. I’m $1. I take cash, credit cards, or McChickens. No CODs.
My vision is blurred
Maybe I should go
put in my contacts
But I won't always have contacts
to correct my Myopia.
When looking at the future
Everyone is a little
Even Ron Rhodes
Our trusted meteorologist with his
Three degree guarantee
Is only guessing when he says that it’s going to rain on Sunday
And if he can’t see the future
Then who can?
Most of us don’t have Doppler radar
Or even a fake Jamaican accent
So call Miss Cleo.
Miss Cleo knows the truth.
Or at least her guess is as good as mine
I know I can’t predict the future.
If I could, I would have put my money on Syracuse
Winning the March Madness tournament
Instead of Purdue
But I’d settle for simply being able to see the near future.
Which I can’t.
Should I go to the party?
(get stoned like the women in Africa)
Should I take a sip, just one?
(and get so plastered I’ll make Nick Nolte look like a newbie)
I wish I had a car as pimped out as the one in
Back to the Future
Because I could go to the future
Save the world, get the girl
And find out the answers to some of my more pressing questions
What classes should I take next year?
What college do I want to apply for?
What do I want to major in?
What do I want to do when I grow up?
I don’t know.
Maybe that’s the beauty of the future.
No one knows.
It’s all a surprise.
Even for Ron Rhodes.
And in the end,
I’d rather live the moment
To its fruitation
Than follow a television psychic’s prediction.
Yoyoyo…my friend Tom be going to Prom with his mom who’s wearing pompoms made in the capital of Vietnam.
When I freestyle, I feel like da bomb.
My name is Lin. I always win. I kick so much butt that you don’t know where my foot has been. Much to my chagrin I used to play the violin. But that was really my wussy twin. My twin was a nerd. He’d laugh when the teacher said Ich bin ein Berliner. What a loser.
His dream was to be like Dracula…2000. To be bullet proof and be able to levitate while making out and to make lots of moola. But the most impressive thing he could do was recite the quadratic formula. Good thing I voted him off the peninsula.
And he liked to be challenged, mentally. Like once someone asked him to rhyme a word with orange, and he was like, “orange? you better give me a better challenge.” Wurd.
My nerdy twin was a wussy. Like once he meet this girl who was really sassy, and his eyes gave her a passy, but he was too nervous to act classy and ended up using a cheap pick up line.
“Do you go to the library a lot?”
“Because you have fine written all over you.”
Oh. My. God. It was at that moment that I knew my twin had to go. His appearance and actions was embedded into the minds of all his would-be-lovers as Sibo. Me.
So I took him out into the woods for an execution. Sure, it might have been illegal, but I was just helping out natural selection, evolution. He was gene pool pollution, and I was the solution. But as I got rid of my twin, I felt his soul trying to take over my body, using Confucian techniques.
So I don’t know how much longer I can keep rhyming. My twin’s soul is really messing up my timing.
I think he’s going to take over…[shudder]
Can I borrow 35 cents? I need to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. X = negative b…
I am the nerd and I am back! You can ignore me but you will never get rid of me!
You see that
He's probably smart,
and plays either the violin or piano.
And I'd love to have to right to get pissed off,
But I don't.
I have a 4.0, I don't remember the last time I called anyone a ho,
And I play the violin AND piano.
Funny how your prejudices can be accurate at times.
But when you cross the line and judge me as
Foreign, submissive, snobby, or more
I get pissed off.
Yes, I'm polite,
So I won't call you a ho
But life has a nice way of screwing over hoes like you.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
The Quiet World by Jeffrey McDaniel
In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at the chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she dosen't respond,
I know she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breath.
Monday, April 14, 2003
The Jerk by Jeffrey McDaniel
Hey you, dragging the halo-
how about a holiday in the islands of grief?
Tongue is the word I wish to have with you.
Your eyes are so blue they leak.
Your legs are longer than a prisoner's
last night on death row.
I'm filthier than the coal miner's bathtub
and nastier than the breath of Charles Bukowski.
You're a dirty little windshield.
I'm standing behind you on the subway,
hard as calculus. My breath
be sticking to your neck like graffiti.
I'm sitting opposite you in the bar, waiting
for you to uncross your boundaries.
I want to rip off your logic
and make passionate sense to you.
I want to ride in the swing of your hips.
My fingers will be digging up in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech.
But with me for a lover, you won't need
catastrophes. Because the same things that
attracted me in the first place,
will ultimately make me resent you.
I'll start telling you lies, and my lies will sparkle,
become the bad stars you chart your life by.
I'll stare at other women so blatantly,
you'll hear my eyes peeling.
Because sex with you is like Great Britain:
cold, groggy, and a little uptight.
Your bed is a big, soft calculator
where my problems multiply.
Your brain is a garage
I park my bullshit in, for free.
And you're not really my new girlfriend,
just another flop sequel of the first one,
who was based on the true story of my mother.
You're so ugly I forgot how to spell!
I'll cheat on you like a ninth grade math test.
And break your heart just for the sound it makes.
You're the this we need to put an end to.
The more you apologize, the less I forgive you.
So, how about it? You, me, and a bucket of cafe ole?